You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
false alarm, still single
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
