She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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