he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
