Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
