apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
