I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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