remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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