a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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