Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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