I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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