Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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