Swine flu is the new snow day.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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