I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
