today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
