Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
