Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
