I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
