I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
