Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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