Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
