I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
