you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
