I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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