just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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