Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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