We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
farters have to be the big spoon...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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