you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He felt like a one man threesome
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
