Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
