this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Randomize
