I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
