get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
