Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
if only i could text you this smell
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
