Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
