Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
