so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
