I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
