i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
