ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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