I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
