he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
