were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The air taste purple.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
