remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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