Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
