I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
