the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
