Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
