I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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