dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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