im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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