We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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