I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
