The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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