Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize