New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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