My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
